Passive?

To those who think that prayer is passive:

Those who really press and involve God with this petition in the expectation that he will answer it, as people who are seriously and fundamentally disquieted and startled, press and involve themselves too in their own plac and manner as people and within the limits of their own human capabilities and possibilities. They declare, and within their limits take on responsibility, that in the matter about which they pray to God something will be done correspondingly by them.

(Karl Barth, The Christian Life, p. 169; quoted in John Webster's Holiness, p. 76).

Perhaps that's why I'm sometimes reluctant to pray: I don't want to have to act on that prayer. I don't want to be that person who says a mindless prayer and forgets whatever-it-was. I want to care--but not too much.

New and Old

I've been gradually getting in the habit of praying regularly again. It's difficult and rewarding at the same time; difficult, because bad habits are hard to break, but so rewarding, because I know that I'm doing the right thing and because I love getting closer to God again. Prayers that it continues to go well would be much appreciated, especially since I'm moving to a new city to start seminary in less than a week.

I've also started a new prayer practice. Over the summer I noticed that ideally enjoy praying while I'm doing things with my body: writing out my prayers, walking, (both of which I've been doing for a while), and making friendship bracelets. I decided to continue this practice (especially the friendship bracelets), but with something a bit more useful. So I've been learning to crochet! So far I'm still learning, making it hard to pray while I do it, but I'm getting better. Here's my first completed "project" that I worked on while praying:

I hope to make a bunch of them and see them together to make an afghan to donate.

I know that it would be hypocritical, to say the least, to knit with any old yarn when that yarn was probably produced with slave labor and environment-destroying chemicals. So, I'll probably complete this first project with yarn I have lying around the house (there's a lot of it), and afterwards I'll buy local, environmentally friendly yarn. I'm excited already!

Lazy

I have become so lazy recently--in everything, including prayer. I haven't prayed for more than ten or fifteen minutes in... shamefully long. Prayers that I can make it out of this rut!

I hate summer. No, that's not entirely true, but it is possibly my least favorite season. I am very externally motivated, and have trouble motivating myself if I don't have things to do, things that others are telling me to do. What does that tell me about myself?

I commit again to praying more, and more intentionally. I intend to go back to carving time out of every morning to pray. I hope and pray that I can hold on to that intention, based on the knowledge that prayer is important and something that God wants us to do and something that changes the world. I hope and pray that I can root out this fear that I now have, that the world is too big for my prayers to do anything at all and/or that prayer is a waste of time.

Forced Prayer

Do you ever have to force yourself to pray?

I ask because I do, all the time. As I pray like that, it just all feels so fake, like such hypocrisy. I'm not feeling the prayer. I don't believe, at that second, that God is doing anything amazing through my prayers. I don't think He's doing anything at all. I just want to get on to doing something else.

Does God still hear those prayers? I hope so, because an awful lot of my prayers are like that. Does He know that I'm doing the best I can, trying to do what's right even when I don't feel like it? I'm sure He does.

The Problem?

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."
         ~ Leo Tolstoy

I can't remember when I first read this Tolstoy quote, but it has really stuck with me. It's just so true. Everyone speaks of changing things in the world: passing a new law to prevent corruption, adding a rule so this or that won't be allowed anymore, boycotting a company to send a message. But how often do people try to change themselves?

The true problem isn't big corporations, big government (or, for that matter, small corporations or small government). The problem is human nature, the broken nature of our souls and our relationship with God. The ultimate problem is sin--and humans have no control over our sin. Only God can save us from our sin, through Jesus Christ.

Please don't misunderstand me--I think it's vitally important to change things here on earth, often through channels such as legislation. But I also think that any change will ultimately fail if it isn't accompanied by a change in individuals: if a law exists but is ignored by everyone, then the law is worse than useless.

It's just so much easier to try to change others, to force change upon them and hope it will solve all the world's problems, than it is to look honestly at yourself and see how you are failing, how you are contributing to the problem. And that is why I chose to start my post today with this quote: it's so easy to fall into that trap as you're praying. It's easy to pray for God to change others, for change to just happen--but how is that change going to happen if no one is doing anything to help God make it happen? How is that change going to happen if you are not helping it happen? Praying for something without doing anything else about it, when you could be doing more to help--what hypocrisy.

What am I praying about? What am I praying about but unwilling to try to change in my life?